


of fears and trusts

by evandiaz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Boys Kissing, Confused Eddie, Denial of Feelings, Eddie is having a sexuality crisis, Gay Panic, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Self-Denial, Self-Discovery, eddie doesn't like labels, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:35:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23314021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evandiaz/pseuds/evandiaz
Summary: Eddie likes women.But he just... can’t stop thinking about kissing Buck.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 173





	of fears and trusts

Eddie wasn’t sure what exactly had led up to this moment. One minute he was helping Buck with dishes, and now they were on the couch.

He forced himself to keep looking forward. Don’t look at him, it only makes it worse.

**We were just hanging out, right?**

I’m not, I’m not, I’m not, he repeated to himself. I’m not.

They weren’t drunk, but tipsy enough for Eddie to say things he typically wouldn’t have sober. Somewhere along the line, the topic of sexuality had come up, mostly from talking about Buck’s face, smile, shoulders, and somehow that led to the situation he was in now. They had gone from talking on the couch to Eddie’s room, to Buck’s straddling his hips. Everything was moving so fast and as Buck’s lips neared his, his heart felt like it would beat out of his chest. It was moving so fast.

Eddie’s hands came up, shoving Buck off him before scrambling up into a sitting position. “No. Not having that.”

Eddie isn’t gay.

Well, no, of course he isn’t gay. He’s not interested in men. He likes women. Bisexual, is that would that would make him? Either way, definitely not into guys.

Not that there was anything wrong with being gay, bisexual, anything like that. Eddie knew that he was nothing but your average heterosexual male because he’d actually pulled another man once at university, and it just didn’t work. The kissing was fine, but there was no desire to do anything more, from Eddie’s side anyway. A fear almost? Certainly not attraction, and absolutely not the way it was with girls.

Eddie loves women.

And yet -

There’s definitely something about Buck.

Buck backed off, straightening his shirt. “Understandable. Now you know. If you’re straight, you’re straight-”

“But I don’t know if I am!” Eddie shoved his face into his hands. “I like tits and vaginas and all that but you-”

“You like me?” he snorted, his body shaking with uncontrollable laughter.

“Wait. NO-”

“Too late man, you already said it.” Buck smirked. “You can be atracted to more than one gender you dumbass.”

Eddie thinks about kissing Buck, sometimes. A lot of the time. Whenever he’s in Buck’s company, which feels almost constant lately, sometimes it’s just easier to stay at each other’s places, eat dinner together, eat breakfast together, car share. It’s nice. Family.

Eddie wants to kiss Buck, hard, but when he inevitably starts thinking about it the fantasies don’t go much further than them maybe removing their clothes and if it gets to hands grabbing at belt buckles, his brain just kind of shuts off. And he has to go back to thinking about a woman.

“I am straight Buck. I think you should go.”

That was a fucking lie.

-

Fuck. Why is he so uncomfortable?

Eddie had spent the last hour making increasingly anxious and awkward efforts at dancing.

He would approach someone, or someone would approach him, and they would dance for a while, until Eddie got an unavoidable urge to leave. True, he had never felt completely comfortable in other clubs, but he had never felt this uncomfortable.

Gay Bar.

There were always strangers, people who looked at him like he didn’t belong, the unfortunate but unavoidable risks that came with drinking in a club. It wasn’t that he hadn’t considered who he might be attracted to. Thinking about it and actually interacting with people were two very different things.

Actually interacting with attractive, friendly, and most definitely gay strangers was an altogether new experience.

“Hey, what’s wrong? You’re not supposed to be upset, you’re supposed to be having fun.” He looked concerned, and glanced at Eddie.

Who is that guy?

Eddie is in a gay bar.

Talking with a stranger.

It was so not what he was like.

His heart was pounding. It wasn't that he was homophobic, he told himself. This was a stupid experiment. He stood there and stared anyway, for a long time, stared at the two men that were kissing and trying to make it not matter, trying to imagine himself there, imagine himself, kissing Buck.

The terror that this had become a part of his life now. The confusion between who he was, and who he was supposed to be, who he wanted to be. Nothing had changed because he hadn't changed.

_The loneliness of being without his best friend -the man he loved.-_

“What is it?” He asked, giving him a similarly concerned look.

“I'm... just lost.”

“Do you need help getting home, or?”

“No thanks, no, I know where I'm going.”

“I didn't mean to frighten you off, I just thought you looked like you needed-”

“No, I'm fine,” He did his best impression of a nonchalant grin and backed away, hands up.

“You look freaked out. Do you... want to talk about it? Or is there anyone I can call for you?”

“No, no.” replied Eddie, and then laughed again, that drunken honk of a laugh. “There's no one here you can call.”

“I’m just… confused.” He took a sip from his cup and picked at his shirt with his free hand. “There are a lot of hot guys here.”

He mumbled in agreement, nodding his heads.

“And some really attractive people.”

They made the same nods.

“But I’m not sure if I want to be with them, or, if I want to be them.”

This time, the noise of agreement was mixed with laughter.

“Take some time to figure these things out.” He grabbed his shoulder and gave him reassuring look.

“Go have fun, though. Don’t drink any more tonight. Drinking and having an identity crisis don’t work well together.” He took the cup from his hand and swallowed the rest of it to prove his point.

-

“Why are you crying?” asked Hen.

“I am not crying,” replied Eddie, even though he was very definitely crying. He sat down at the table and buried his face into his hands.

Hen looked up at Eddie, she pulled out a chair next to Eddie and asked, “Is this about the gay thing?”

“What, how? I am not gay.”

“Buck told me. And what’s wrong with being gay?” demanded Hen. “Gay people are fucking awesome. I am awesome.”

“I have Christopher,” said Eddie. “Which involved some very not gay things to happen. Being gay has never been a question on my mind!”

“Bisexuality exist, or pansexuality.” replied Hen simply.

“No. I dont want this. Straight? No. Bisexual? No. Pansexual? No. I’m just... Me. I dont want any labels.” cried Eddie. “It’s so fucking stressfull!”

“No labels then. That is totally valid Eddie.”

“I dont know.”

“Liking men isn’t scary.”

“I haven’t ever liked men before-”

“Liking Buck isn’t scary,” said Hen sharply. When Eddie said nothing, just sat there, staring at the tablecloth like a kicked puppy, She continued.

“If you kissed Buck- Which we all know you did, because Buck was sad this morning and he tells us everything. So, did you enjoy it?” Chimney asked.

**What the fuck? He’s been there all the time and joined the conversation now?**

Eddie’s face was bright red. “Are you seriously asking me if I liked it?”

Chimney looked at Hen for help Hen replied, “Oh, no, I am not helping you. I think I’m kind of interested in where you were going with it.”

“It is important how you felt about it. What did you actually think?” said Chimney.

“You actually want me to tell what was going through my brain while we –”

“Actually,” said Chimney, “I’m not sure if,” Hen kicked him under the table to make him shut up.

“Just tell us.”

He looked down at the table again, grimacing now. “I felt like I wanted to kiss him, so I did.” He sighed, clearly understanding the winner of the war within himself.

“How was it?” asked Hen.

“Fine.”

“Fine? You kissed possibly the hottest guy to ever walk the face of the Earth **-I am a lesbian I can say that!-** while having a gay crisis and it was just fine?”

“Shut up.” Okay maybe he was a little into guys.

“I went to a gay bar. I just needed to look and see. I felt uncomfortable but, I saw Buck, I saw me, we were happy.”

He had to calm his breathing down a bit. “Okay. I see your point. I’m an idiot.”

“It’s fine,” Hen assured him. “He won’t be pissed off if you call him.”

Suddenly Eddie’s eyes widened. “Wait, call him? And tell him I am gay for him?” he said. “No way!”

“I thought the problem was just solved.” said Hen.

“I can’t date my best friend!” cried Eddie. “I will fuck up one of the best things that has ever happened to me!”

“Jesus crist!” Chimney said, “Make up your mind!”

-

Fortunotely, he made his his mind, after talking to Hen and Chimney for fucking two hours, he felt more comfortable, he realized he liked Buck no- He’s in love with Buck.

“Buck I am so so sorry. I am so fucked up, I am such a fucking mess.”

Buck would laugh if it wasn’t obvious that Eddie’s not doing well, not at all. He reached out and touched Eddie’s shoulder. “That’s okay,” He said.

“It is not! I don’t know why I can’t just be honest, why I can’t just say I want to be with you instead of...”

“I don’t know who I am, Buck.” He said. “Sometimes I feel like I’ll never know.”

“You’re my friend,” Buck said softly. “Whatever else you think you are, I know you’re that. And I do like you.”

“Do you?” Eddie asked, turning to face him. His eyes look unfocused as they stare at each other.

“Yes.”

Eddie averted his eyes and coughed. “Buck” he said, “Are you seeing anyone? 

“Umm, no."

“I kind of, I might like, guys.”

Buck’s eyes widened slightly. Nodding slowly, he said, “Okay, that is fine.”

“I dont want any labels though. I just like men, I am attracted to men. I am attracted to women. I am attracted to everyone. Mostly you, I am attracted you.”

The sound of Buck’s laugh was warm. “Amazing!”

“Welcome to the club. We hope you enjoy your stay. Maybe.”

Buck entwined his fingers with Eddie’s.

“On a scale of 0 to 10, how awkward was that for you?”

Eddie felt his breath knocked out of him when Buck leans in a little closer.

“That was a straight up 15.” Buck said.

“Imagine us kissing then.” They both laughed.

“Do I have to? I mean we can kiss right now.”

“I like you,” said Eddie.

“Oh. Like you want to make out with me?” Eddie choked. “I mean,” he managed, hoarsely. “That wasn’t gonna be my immediate suggestion but yeah. Yes.”

“I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to do confessions of love.” Said, Buck, softly, after a while.

“Oh yeah?” Eddie said, trying not to bite the words out sharp and jagged, and only half-succeeding.

“How’re you supposed to do them then?”

“They’re supposed to be dramatic. There is flowers, and there’s lots of people.” Buck trailed off, uncertainly. “There’s always a prince, or a knight.”

“You are messing with me.” 

“Well you are not kissing me right now, so yes. You invited me to your house to confess your love. Which is adorable, so i think, we should just kiss right now. Or-“ He felt confused. Looking around, trying to find Christopher.

“Wait, where is Christopher?”

“With his abuela.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, Oh.” Buck laughed, pulling Eddie into a hug and tipping them backward so that they both fell on the couch, causing Eddie to laugh as well. As their laughter subsided, both boys stared at each other. Buck licked his lips and leant closer, tentatively pressing them against Eddie’s. When Eddie did not pull away, Buck pressed his lips harder and enclosed them around Eddie’s lower lip, moving them slowly. Bringing his hand to Eddie’s cheek, slipping his hand to the back of Eddie’s head and burying his fingers into his hair. Within a couple seconds, Eddie was kissing him back and Buck smiled against while breathing through his mouth.

“You like that?”

“That is good,” Eddie said before harshly grabbing Buck by the back of his head and slamming his lips against his in a rather intense kiss. Buck’s lips were hot, they tasted spicy and they moved amazingly nice against Eddie’s. A soft gasp was heard, Buck’s tongue pocked at Eddie’s slightly chapped lips, asking for access which was greatly granted. Buck’s soft tongue started roaming Eddie’s soft mouth, licking at whatever it could reach. They kissed and kissed until there was no more oxygen in their lungs. Eddie broke the kiss but didn’t pull more than 5 centimetres away. That wasn’t about to end there. After getting enough air through gasps and letting Buck do the same, he attached their mouths with the same force as before, now taking a bit more of control and instantly shoving his tongue into Buck’s mouth. That didn’t seem to surprise Buck though, because the only sound that could be heard was a satisfied hum that Eddie swallowed.

“I love you.”

“I love you too Eddie.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comment down below and leave a kudos if you want to see more of this. Also, submit any prompts that you want me to tackle!


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